In just a few days, we’re giving 2014 the proverbial kiss-off. Auld Lang Syne and all that.
Like every earthly spin around the sun, these past 365 days—the dear year of 2014—was nothing short of scintillating in regards to the trifecta that makes the world go round: sex, love, and relationships.
Some tales restored our faith in humanity while others were chock-full of hate and fear and utter depravity! We homosapiens sure are tricky.
Anyway, in an attempt to pay homage to yet another year on our little blue planet, we've rounded up a recap of the best—and worst!—sex, love, and relationships stories.
Raise your glass to 2015: Here's hoping it's brimming with the good and bereft of the ugly.
The Good
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Sip some bubbly and scream salud! for gay marriage, which was legalized in Illinois, Montana, Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Nevada, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming this year.
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In 2014, George Clooney was officially taken off the proverbial market. He married Amal Alamuddin, a renowned attorney who has worked on some of the most important cases of our time including representing WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Fer serious, Alamuddin is walking proof that there are few things sexier than being smart and fighting the good fight. (In addition to generally being a human rights advocate badass, she's also given elusive hope to women everywhere that even the most non-committal men will traipse down the aisle when they find the right woman.)
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It was the year of the niche dating app! Inspired by Tinder (which was actually inspired by gay hookup app Grinder), developers rolled out tons of new, find-your-beast-with-two-backs partner apps. Some of the most notable include The Grade (weeds out jerks), Hinge (only friends of friends on Facebook), Dapper (gentlemen only), J Swipe (duh!), and the newest app for swingers, Mixxxer. (Or you could just use Tinder because every single person is on there anyway . . . )
The Naughty
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2014 was (oddly) the year of sexy mug shots. It started with Jeremy Meeks, a tattooed convict with icy blue eyes and pillow-like lips, who won the hearts of ladies everywhere . . . and a modeling contract! So what if he was arrested on felony weapons charges—no one ever said life was fair! But, Meeks was not to be outdone by Sean Kory, with his perfectly messy dreadlocks and glinting green eyes, who was arrested after assaulting someone at a Halloween parade dressed as a Fox News reporter. Seriously, in 2015, we need to get over this whole bad boy thing.
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Fifty Shades of Grey, the erotica novel based on Twilight fan fiction that’s sold over 100 million copies, was made into a movie and is being lauded as one of the potentially highest grossing and grossest! movies of 2015. The book is terribly written, with passages like, "'When did you start your period, Anastasia?' . . . He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string [what?!] and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet." [Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all . . . Jeez.] We’re expecting both a lot more and a whole lot less from the script.
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The b in Airbnb actually doesn’t stand for brothel and unfortunately one man learned that the hard way. Ari Tenman, a comedian in New York, discovered the gentleman who rented his apartment for a weekend wasn’t exactly in town for a friend’s wedding. He learned his humble abode was actually the site of a sex party called Turn Up Part 2: The Pantie Raid : A XXX Freakfest. Tenman’s home had been stained in a number of not-so-metaphysical ways following that weekend and he had to move. Airbnb ended up paying him $23,817 for the damages and offering up a (hopefully clean) hotel room until he found a new place. Moral of the story: Before you Airbnb your place—just go ahead and ask if your tenant is into orgies.
The Bizarre
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The apt yet insufferable term Conscious Uncoupling became part of our lexicon when Gwyneth Paltrow announced on her website, GOOP, that she and her husband, rocker Chris Martin, were separating. Ever since the announcement, the couple has been consciously seeing each other on and off.
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Killer Charles Manson became engaged to 26-year-old Afton Burton, aka Star. While the couple obtained a marriage license, they need to make it official in early 2015 before it expires. The happy couple is registered at the commissary at Corcoran State prison in California.
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Lena Dunham releases her memoir, Not That Kind of Girl, where she recalls removing pebbles from her baby sister’s vagina, among other things. Backlash ensues and Dunham is called a child molester, among other things. But that doesn’t stop her book from becoming a New York Times bestseller. Or spurning a huge outpouring of speculation and response as everything that Dunham does, does.
The Regrettable
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Tragically, celeb sex offenders made more-than-a few headlines. Bill Cosby has been accused of sexually assaulting 20+ women, and a bunch of alleged victims—finally—decided to share their stories with the media. Among them were models Janice Dickinson and Beverly Johnson. Actor Stephen Collins (the dad from 7th Heaven) also made headlines for admitting to molesting three girls. His ex-wife Faye Grant released a tape of him in a private therapy session admitting to these heinous acts. Collins later shared his side of the story—"I'm a flawed person"—in interviews with Kate Couric and People magazine.
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Fox aired the reality show I Want to Marry Harry, where women were lead to believe they were participating in a Bachelor-style competition to compete for the love of Prince Harry. But the prince was actually just an uncanny lookalike who could speak in an undeniably sexy British accent. The premise was so awful and manipulative, no one watched it, and the show was canceled after only four episodes.
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When Jessa Duggar married Ben Seewald this year, they decided to keep their first kiss (which, just as a reminder was their first kiss ever) private. Fair enough, but, shortly after their wedding, the couple posted a shot of a sweet smooch on Instagram. Pappa Jim Bob and Mamma Michelle Duggar followed suit and posted their own pic on the Duggar family Facebook account and asked other married couples to do the same. And by married couples, the Duggars didn’t mean same-sex couples, whose pictures were promptly taken down. LGBT advocates were outraged and everyone else wondered—again and again and again—what were the Duggars thinking?
So there ya have it! 2014 in all its gruesome, GOOPY, grin-inducing, gag-inducing, get-on-with-your-bad-self glory! 2015 . . . we've got our eye on you.
